People have different obsessions... I'm obsessed with my name!  Kayla Rain!  Tell me that if that were your name you wouldn't be totally in love with it!  I'm such a little school girl, I doodle my name on EVERYTHING!  I love my name, the way it looks, and the way it sounds, esp. that it's so unique!  Every one of my friends and half of my co-workers call me Kayla Rain, not just plain old Kayla.  Anyone who knows me gets a total mental image of me when they hear someone say my name.  The other day I even overheard one of my friends, with a name I really like, say that they liked their name but not as much as they like 'Kayla Rain'.  You know, I had a blog post early on called Born for Porn because my name is pretty catchy, makes you think of someone famous right?  I joke with my staff all the time that I'm all about self promotion but as you can see from the fact that I own my own URL, I AM all about self promotion!

I have that tattoo pic posted out to the side there because I am SERIOUSLY considering getting another tat, and I think that the ribcage/side is a nice spot in terms of being able to cover it up.  I'm getting to the point where I think I could handle a big one (as if the one on my back weren't big enough right?)  Anyway, I'm not one to go out and get a tat of just anything because 'I think it's cute' my tats have to be something meaningful to me.  One thing I've wanted is a tat that expresses my courage or strength over the last several years as I've divorced and had to rebuild my life.  Anyway when I ran across that picture it really struck me, I think that tattoo is beautiful and I would like to do something similar if I could come up with the right meaningful word or phrase to remind myself of my own inner strength.  As I spoke to a few people at work about my dilemma they all said the same thing: get a tattoo of your name!  YOU are the strength, that's what Kayla Rain stands for!  I still don't know if it would be cheesy to get my own name tattooed on myself.  What do you think?

SO I got a chain letter text message today that stated something along the lines of "describe me in one word, just one. Then forward this to 10 people you know and see what responses you get back."  So of course I sent it to half of the people in my contacts list, not just ten, and I got responses like: fashionable, beautiful, amazing, phenomenal, blonde, etc.  I think the one thing everyone left out is... Vain!  I LOVE me!  And that's a good place to be.

Those of you who know me well know that I work six days a week and put in an average of 66 hrs.  Truly my only day off is Sunday which means that I have to fit all of my errands, shopping, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, etc. all into one day; it can really be a challenge!  I find that I have to prioritize between what NEEDS to be done and what can really wait.  Case in point, I still have my Christmas tree up because there are other more pressing things to do, and being that I’m never home to see it, it doesn’t really bother me that it’s almost February! LOL!  Anyway, due to my crazy schedule I have turned into an internet shop-a-holic.

I love shopping online because I can do it at two o’clock in the morning or in my sweats with my hair all a mess, no make up, etc.  I buy almost everything online.  All but two of my Christmas gifts were purchased online this past year.  I buy all my clothes online.  I’ll buy just about anything I can online!  Groceries are about the only thing I haven’t purchased online as of yet.  There are so many more options on the World Wide Web than I could ever come across in a day at the mall.  I get tons of gift ideas and often can score free shipping!  With secure exchange servers I don’t even worry about identity theft, not that anyone would want to steal my identity anyway! J What’s not to like about internet shopping?!  But the problem is that all this online shopping is truly turning me into a snob…

For example, I took my son out shopping today.  We got him a few new outfits, new shoes and a memory stick for his PSP.  All in all we went to three different stores each was within only five miles of my home.  Yet all I could do was get annoyed at having to wait in line at the department store while the person in front of me filled out a credit card application, or get irritated that there was no one at the cash register to help us in the shoe store, or get frustrated that the guy at the game store was some 16 yr. old twerp who kept trying to up-sell me on some stupid extended warranty.  Basically I felt like I was wasting so much time!  At home I could have purchased all of those items within ten or fifteen minutes, rather than the hour and a half I spent running around today.

The other reason I’m turning into a snob is that I spend enough time online late in the evenings after work that I know how to spot a good deal when I see one, even better I’ve learned where to get hooked up with designer products at a fraction of the cost.  I am of course an avid eBayer and can always find SOMETHING I’m interested in.  But my sister actually turned me on to a company that sells designer jeans like True Religion, Rock and Republic and Sevens for about $40 a pair!  These are jeans that the stars wear and normally retail anywhere from $150 - $265!  I also have discovered a company over seas that I can get authentic Louis Vuitton and Chanel bags from as well as Tiffany & Co. Jewelry for pennies on the dollar!  It’s tempting to buy them all up and open an eBay store!  Let alone, stock up myself!  And trust me, over time I will.

You know, when I first heard about the World Wide Web back in the mid to late 90s I couldn’t imagine what in the world I would use it for, since I wasn’t in school and didn’t need to do any research.  Little did I know that the internet would become the one luxury in life I couldn’t live without!

As you all know I’ve set my new years resolutions and I have to admit that I’ve been doing fairly well in spite of the nasty head cold I was dealing with all last week.  I’ve been keeping up on my reading and I’m actually reading a really good book about individual accountability.  It’s really opened my eyes to how I need to stop making excuses for everything not going well in my life and stop blaming others.  This truth really hit home this past week when I got in an ENORMOUS fight with my ex husband.  I was madder than I’ve been in years and yet when I sat back and calmed down I realized that I was the one who got myself here and that I was not without fault in the argument.  It’s not easy facing the ugly truth.  And the further I read the more I see that I need to change and start thinking ‘above the line’ to find real happiness.  I’ve run across so many good points in my reading that I now keep a notebook next to me so that I can write down quotes that really strike me.

On the same note, I gave my staff an assignment at the first of the year to write a personal mission statement and business plan.  I held a ½ day retreat and had lunch catered to go over our goals and discuss each person’s strengths in preparation for the assignment.  The meeting could not have gone any better; in fact my boss is incorporating some of my ideas into his training with the sales staff.  Anyway today was the due date for them to turn in their work and of course several of them were working on their business plans up until end of work tonight but when I got a chance to read over their mission statements I was totally impressed and floored.  It’s amazing how something as simple as a mission statement not only defines one’s character but also gives another insight into that person’s thoughts, beliefs and desires.  I expected my staff to sort of half ass the assignment because most of them are extremely young, in fact two are only 19!  But instead they really used the worksheets I provided them with (several even turned in their work, along with their final version) and they each came up with their own thought filled, personal accomplishment.  Reading through their mission statements it really made me think about my last mission statement and how much tweaking it needed to fit my life as it now stands… at the time I wrote it I was still married and doing Real Estate.  So I’ve determined to really take some time this next week and re-write my mission statement.

What am I all about?  You know I started making a list this evening.  And it’s funny how all of this sort of comes together because as I sat in my Grandfather’s funeral last month I was thinking much the same thing.  I was thinking about what people might have to say about me if I were to pass away…. So tonight I made a list, with two parts: Part one was what I WANTED people to say about me, and Part two was what I thought people WOULD say about me.  The sad thing is that part one was much longer and much more desirable than part two.  One of the exercises that I gave my staff to complete to help them in writing their mission statements asked who had been one of the most influential people in their life, which qualities they most admired about that person, and what qualities they had gained from that person.  As I thought this over today of course I thought of my mother who was the most sincere, loving, giving, happy, selfless person I’ve known.  And as sad as it is to admit I don’t know that a single one of those adjectives would be used to describe me.  That was actually a slap of reality to recognize that.  I think people would describe me as fun, fashionable, fearless and friendly; all nice things but not of the same value.  I really think I need to get my priorities in focus!

I guess the first step in change is to see the need.  Then as described in my reading, to own it, solve it, then do it!  I suppose I'm on my way!

Lately I’ve been going through a phase where I really feel the need to get out!  I NEED a vacation!  For so far too many reasons to list, I feel that I’m overdue for a trip somewhere other than the post office (the only place I’ve visited recently that’s even remotely out of my way)!  It’s been well over a year since I’ve traveled merely for pleasure… sure I’ve been to Chicago and Phoenix in the last few months but business doesn’t count because you can’t relax, unwind and enjoy the scenery!

It’s not even like a vacation is within my budget at this time so I don’t know why I can’t stop dreaming about it!  Sitting in the drive through at Starbucks the other day I thought, you know I should start a vacation savings jar… I know what you’re thinking, that’s so cliché but I think by just putting aside a few dollars and quarters every now and then would actually add up quickly.

Anyway, the real reason I’m even talking about travel is that I’m obsessed with a website I ran across a few months back called BedJump.com.  The entire site is dedicated to folks who enjoy jumping on the bed.  They encourage people to take pics of themselves jumping on the beds of the hotels they visit as well as rate their over all experience.  I can’t tell you how much I’ve been DYING to add a bed jumping pic of my own!  I have another business trip to Chicago next month maybe I’ll have to just break down and take one there.

I planned on adding some pics to this post but bravenet is giving me difficulties with images today... so I guess I'll have to add them later.  For now, check out their site and then tell me that you don't want to do some bed jumping of your own!  It just looks like hella fun to me!

Well another year has come and gone and I have to say that I couldn’t be happier for a fresh start!  My boss asked me the other day what my new years resolutions were and of course I said the usual “I resolve to get back into working out.”  But it was his reply of “You only have one New Years Resolution?” that really caught me of guard.  I guess I really hadn’t thought about it all that much.  In the past I’ve stayed away from the cliché resolutions because I knew I had no intention of bettering myself or putting forth the effort necessary.  But the fact that he asked with such surprise really made me stop and think about how much I wish I could improve on.

So after much thought here are my New Year’s Resolutions for 2007, (maybe putting them it writing will force me to live up to the expectation):

• I resolve to develop and maintain a workout schedule which includes a min. of three workout days a week.
• I resolve to only speak kindly of others. (This is going to be the hardest one; I can be such a bitch!)
• I resolve to not impulse shop… I’ll think about my purchases for at least 24 hrs. and if I still feel I need it and can truly afford it then I can splurge.
• I resolve to spend more ‘quality’ time with my son.
• I resolve to read 8 mins. a night towards self improvement.
• I resolve to learn to love myself!

I wish each of you luck with your resolutions and I hope that 2007 is your best year yet!

Kisses Y'all,

Kayla Rain

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Kayla, happy birthday to me!

Yes, it’s my 29^th birthday and I’m feeling old!  Not so much because I think that 29 is old but because I really thought I was turning 28 and I woke up this morning and realized that somewhere I lost a year because I’m really 29!  Oh well, I get better with age!

This time of year it’s really easy to feel sorry for yourself and fall into the ‘poor me, poor me’ trap.  I’ve had to slap myself upside the head several times over the past two days because I keep almost slipping into that mode.  It really was a rough Christmas and Birthday this year.  Not because finances were tight but because I haven’t had people to share them with, this in turn turns into few presents.  Holiday gifts usually aren’t that big a deal to me, because one usually ends up with stupid coffee mugs and loads of home baked goodies that they really didn’t want anyway.  I guess not having someone to share the holidays with really is difficult!  I can understand why the suicide rate is higher this time of year, being alone can be lonely!  This is truly the first time ever in my adult life I’ve had no one to spend these special moments with.  Christmas morning I woke up alone, which yes was by choice because my sister invited me to spend the night; but I didn’t even have my son Christmas morning this year.  So yes, it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself…

But then I start to realize what the holiday was like for many others I know and I realize that I have NOTHING to complain about:

• One of my co-workers spent Christmas morning in the hospital for alcohol poising from partying too heavily the night before.
• One of my co-workers had her car broken into Christmas day and her windshield smashed.
• One of my co-workers was in a head on collision 3 days before Christmas.
• One of my co-workers’ husband was in a roll over crash 2 days before Christmas.
• One of my co-workers’ mother was stoned off her ass Christmas day and then was pulled over for a DUI this afternoon for both alcohol and prescription medication and thrown into jail with a $4500 cash only bail… she’s still there.
• One of my co-workers had a kidney infection.
• Two of my co-workers are married and they and their 2 children spent Christmas with the flu.
• One of my siblings didn’t even have a Christmas tree and the only reason their family had a Christmas was because of the kindness of others.
• My Grandpa passed away last week and my Grandma spent her first Christmas in 69 years without her sweetheart beside her!

All in all I have realized that there is much to be thankful for.  Both my Christmas and Birthday were drama free.  I had people who love me call or send cards or texts or e-mails.  I got to see all of my siblings, nieces and nephews on Christmas Eve.  I got to share Christmas Day and evening with my son.  I have a good job, a nice car, a beautiful home and many material things.  I truly am blessed!  It was a merry Christmas and a happy Birthday!

Well it’s Christmas Eve and I can not tell you how anticlimactic it’s been… my goal was to make it through the entire day without stepping foot in a store but that didn’t happen.  I braved the crowds and went to the grocery store to pick up drinks for my family party tonight; It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, maybe because it’s Sunday and I do live in a very conservative state. J

This year I’m alone for Christmas and it’s strange how different the holidays are when you don’t have someone to spend them with.  I’m not complaining, in fact everyone has gone out of their way to make me feel loved this year!  (My staff at work even all pitched in and got me a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret so that I could by myself a new outfit or two.)  It’s just been very low key and I have to say that the change has been good for me.  The rest of the year has been so stressful that it’s been nice to not have much to deal with this season… no big plans, no parties no nothing.  It did dawn on me yesterday that I should have bought myself something to wrap and put under the tree, as Taylor is going to wonder why Mom has no presents this year.  LOL Oh well.  I did sort of prep him today that Mom wouldn’t be getting a lot.  He looked sad but said, that’s okay Mom, I’m sure NO ONE will forget your birthday! (My birthday is the 26^th, the day after.) Kids are so sweet!  I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

I bought my ex-husband a gift this year and am hoping that his girlfriend doesn’t throw a fit.  I addressed it to both of them, so hopefully she thinks it’s thoughtful and not that I have ulterior motives.  I also struggled as to what to get my Dad just like I do every year.  I finally settled on a Cross pen engraved with his first name.  I got my Step-Mother the same thing, only the store screwed up the engraving on hers.  Ha, well it’s the thought that counts right?  This was the year of personalization for me.  I bought 5 gifts that were personalized.  I figure, I love my name on everything, why wouldn’t someone else?  Plus that means they can’t return it or re-gift right?  I’m a dork I know.  I actually think that I did well this year for gifts; I ordered all but 3 things online and everything turned out really nice and all arrived on time… well except something I ordered on e-Bay.

I don’t really have a lot more to say except that things in my life seem to be settling down.  My last several posts were not at all up beat and I wanted folks to know that I AM doing well.  The depression is starting to lighten and I’ve been enjoying the holiday season in spite of being apart from my sweetheart.  So please, stop worrying about me and stop feeling sorry for me.  I’m alive, well, happy and looking forward to a successful New Year!  I’ll write more tomorrow…

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

I haven’t written in a while as you know, and truly that’s because I’m speechless.  What do you say when your world seems to have fallen apart right in front of your face?  And the worst part about it is that I realize that all the horrors I’m experiencing are consequences to my own actions…  I’ve made many mistakes in my life and I’ll be the first to admit that, but never before have my actions created so much pain, turmoil and personal grief as now.  Of course I’ve struggled with depression over the last year, anyone who regularly reads my blog is aware of that, but I believe that I have hit an all time low.  I now know first hand the true meaning of loneliness and I’m sorry to say that I’m not dealing with it very well.

It’s amazing how strongly character is shown in the face of adversity.  I’ve tried hard to be a person of admirable character by owning up to my mistakes, and making things right where I’ve done wrong.  However by trying to sustain some bit of personal integrity I’ve discovered who my allies are and sadly who they are not…

When I got divorced it seemed that all of my friends were ‘our’ friends.  When my husband and I were no longer one unit many of our friends chose sides, and for many his side seemed more appealing.  And then some chose not to choose a side and basically they deserted us both.  I lost a lot of friends during that period of time and it was extremely painful to be forced to develop new relationships… but one of the things that got me through that hardship was that I started dating, and as a result I was able to make new contacts and establish new friendships.  Now once again I am feeling that same sense of abandonment from my so called ‘friends’ but being that I’m not out dating, this time around is much much harder.  I am at a loss as to how and where to begin my search for new friends.

Just a few months ago I was complaining that I had no life because I was putting in so many hours at work.  Well none of that has changed, but you remove all physical contacts outside of work and you realize how much free time you really have.  I come home each night to an empty house -- I realize there is no one to call, no one to talk to and nothing of value to say anyway.  I don’t think I can even describe how empty it feels.  I think what hurts more than the loneliness and the slap of reality that the people whom I confided in, trusted, sincerely cared about and still do, haven’t even bothered to make contact or see how I’m doing…

I know this all vague.  But I felt like getting things off my chest and I suppose if it makes me feel better than that’s all that matters right?  I just have to say in closing that I’ve recently learned the value of family.  If I didn’t have my family I would have nothing!  I know a few of my sisters read my blog so may I say thank you to them for their loyalty, friendship and unconditional love.  I guess the reason God sent to a family that had 4 girls is because he knew there would come a day that I would need every one of them because they truly are my best friends!

P.S.  AF – none of this was written towards you, you have been a dear friend and I feel blessed to know you!  Thank you too for your love and support!

Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.  For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.  Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:

1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem...  kick their ass.

2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest...  kick their ass.

3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans.  If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second.  Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great.  Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing camouflage, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven.  Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot.  Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).

6) If you witness someone calling the U.S.  Coast Guard nonmilitary, inform them of their mistake...  and kick their ass.

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper... it was a disgrace and disrespectful.  Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.

Next time Old Glory goes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart.  Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...  of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy.  Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.

10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation.  The President is our Commander in Chief regardless of political party.  We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet.  All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out.  The military member might direct you to Oliver North.  (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me.  If she did, she would most likely be a vet and, therefore, could kick your ass!

12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!  Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military.  That reminds me ...  if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other.  Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Doing so will get your ass kicked.

14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families.  Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families.  Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day.  Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

- "It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

- It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

- It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

- It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."

(Authored by Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Sergeant, USMC