I haven’t written in a while as you know, and truly that’s because I’m speechless.  What do you say when your world seems to have fallen apart right in front of your face?  And the worst part about it is that I realize that all the horrors I’m experiencing are consequences to my own actions…  I’ve made many mistakes in my life and I’ll be the first to admit that, but never before have my actions created so much pain, turmoil and personal grief as now.  Of course I’ve struggled with depression over the last year, anyone who regularly reads my blog is aware of that, but I believe that I have hit an all time low.  I now know first hand the true meaning of loneliness and I’m sorry to say that I’m not dealing with it very well.

It’s amazing how strongly character is shown in the face of adversity.  I’ve tried hard to be a person of admirable character by owning up to my mistakes, and making things right where I’ve done wrong.  However by trying to sustain some bit of personal integrity I’ve discovered who my allies are and sadly who they are not…

When I got divorced it seemed that all of my friends were ‘our’ friends.  When my husband and I were no longer one unit many of our friends chose sides, and for many his side seemed more appealing.  And then some chose not to choose a side and basically they deserted us both.  I lost a lot of friends during that period of time and it was extremely painful to be forced to develop new relationships… but one of the things that got me through that hardship was that I started dating, and as a result I was able to make new contacts and establish new friendships.  Now once again I am feeling that same sense of abandonment from my so called ‘friends’ but being that I’m not out dating, this time around is much much harder.  I am at a loss as to how and where to begin my search for new friends.

Just a few months ago I was complaining that I had no life because I was putting in so many hours at work.  Well none of that has changed, but you remove all physical contacts outside of work and you realize how much free time you really have.  I come home each night to an empty house -- I realize there is no one to call, no one to talk to and nothing of value to say anyway.  I don’t think I can even describe how empty it feels.  I think what hurts more than the loneliness and the slap of reality that the people whom I confided in, trusted, sincerely cared about and still do, haven’t even bothered to make contact or see how I’m doing…

I know this all vague.  But I felt like getting things off my chest and I suppose if it makes me feel better than that’s all that matters right?  I just have to say in closing that I’ve recently learned the value of family.  If I didn’t have my family I would have nothing!  I know a few of my sisters read my blog so may I say thank you to them for their loyalty, friendship and unconditional love.  I guess the reason God sent to a family that had 4 girls is because he knew there would come a day that I would need every one of them because they truly are my best friends!

P.S.  AF – none of this was written towards you, you have been a dear friend and I feel blessed to know you!  Thank you too for your love and support!